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LIVING A CELLULAR CONNECTED LIFE.

    Have you ever been shopping, and while intent on finding a particular product, are startled to hear a very loud male voice nearby shout out a question, that you thought was "Was that sturgeon with mickeldorm or mickeldorm with sturgeon?"

   Maybe it was a female voice announcing to the world, "I just divorced Stanley. Yes, I did. ...Well for one thing, he kept leaving toenail clippings all over the bathroom floor."

   For a moment you thought the person nearby staring off into space was addressing you. Then, you saw the ubiquitous cell phone, more lately identified just as a "cell," pressed to their ear. By now, we are able to identify people who inhabit a parallel universe. Only they and the person to whom they are connected exist on this planet.

   They do not realize that people seated as far as 50 feet from them in a restaurant do not wish to hear the most mundane items in their miserable existences wrung out in public; nor even the exact hour a stray meteorite is sure to strike the gourmand-class restaurant where you thought you might enjoy what was touted to be the world's finest salmon salad.

   A brief note to the lovelorn: please keep your endearments brief, and why not just "text" them the next time? Still, can you imagine anything more irritating to a teacher, who might be trying to explain the differences between sub-atomic particles to a room full of students who are busily tapping on their phones?

   Yes, I definitely think that sending or receiving a text message while driving a vehicle or while pinching off  punctured arteries inside an open abdomen is deserving of being locked in stocks in some public place and beaten with chains.

   While we're at it, could we mute the incoming "ring-tone," please. There's no need for the incoming call to match the "William Tell Overture," in volume or ostentation. And, oh yes, have you considered turning the phone to "vibrate-only" mode?

   My least favorite cellphone user is "The Pacer." Not only does "The Pacer" address the person with whom they are connected in a strident, demanding voice, but they gesticulate wildly, all the time pacing back and forth in a space of 25 feet or less. When forced to be seated, "Pacers" always bounce one leg up and down like it was a jackhammer, often have severe facial tics and break out in insane laughter from time to time. They often do the latter unexpectedly even when not using their phone.

   Lastly, I urge you to pay attention to the Bluetooth user. These constantly connected people have a tiny, duplex radio transceiver that connects wirelessly to their cellphone. You are not aware that the person sitting beside you in the doctor's office has a combination microphone and headphone with a tiny blue light on it installed in their ear until they suddenly shriek out a question as vastly important as ..."Is that with cream cheese only, or cream cheese and lox?" When engaged in conversation, Bluetooth users can undergo major surgery without anesthesia. 

    Bluetooth technology was developed by a group of Scandinavian engineers who named the device after a marauding Viking Raider King. Now, you know why many of those with Bluetooth-equipped phones often dream of a once famous football team from Minnesota and plundering their supermarket for Lutefisk and Aquavit. 

73,

Phil Richardson, Observer and Storyteller.

Phil's current post can be read at:  http://www.imrightagain.com

If you wish to comment, Phil can be reached at:   k7os (at) msn (dot) com